recovered PK

[thislifesenuf]

So I grew up the son of a Lutheran pastor.  I have no problems with that.  My dad is a good man, and very good at what he does.  Given this, it is surprising little religion really affected me.  We went to church every week.  I was in youth group, choir, you name it.  I went to bible camp in the summer.  I went to a Lutheran college.  In all, it was fairly positive.  It was a supportive community. It never felt "right" to me, but it didn't really bother me.  I would sit through the service, and then get the keys from my mom, and listen to the radio in the car while she chatted after the service.  

I eventually..., I think while I was still in collage..., had one of those text book "ah ha" moments.  I was lying in the grass, looking up at the stars, and I thought about how life would have been different if I was the son of a mullah in the middle east.  I of course would have been muslim.  I am christian, but if I was born to different parents, I would be muslim.  The only difference is what kind of family i lived in.  If that is the case, then who is to say which way is right?

I kind of "drifted" out of christianity.  It was not that hard.  I was in collage, and I was busy with other things.  This mostly meant that I didn't really have to think about it at all.  It bothered my parents, but they just thought I was lazy.  I must add, this was mostly true.  When it came time for me to get married, I wanted my dad to perform the ceremony.  This is what I always had wanted.  Planning the ceremony got me thinking about what I believe.  I ended up having a good conversation with him.  In the end, we did not go with the "boiler plate" green-book ceremony.  My wife and I created what we wanted.  As a comprimise, we let my dad have complete control of the sermon/homily.  It was a very nice wedding.

Time went on, and as I got older (I am 40 now), I started thinking more and more about what I believe.  Perhaps it is because religion was so much a part of my upbrining that I can't just let it go.  My wife did not have a very religious family (the church on Xmas and Easter kind), and, while she agrees with my beliefs, she doesn't really think about them much.  A couple years ago, I read the book God is not Great by Christopher Hitchens.  I then went and saw him when he came through town on his book tour.  It was a revalation!  Before, I was of the "I am not sure I believe this stuff" and "this doesn't sound right."  After reading his book, I felt like Dorthy, seeing the "wizard" behind the curtain.  After reading the book, it is hard to look at the world in the same way again.  i have since read Sam Harriss and Richard Dawkins.  The unfortunate side affect is that I find I am developing an intollerance for religiousity.  What used to not even register on my consciousness now really bothers me.  I feel like shouting "Don't you see?!  The emperor has no clothes!"

Here is the twist.  I don't believe in god, or any bit of the "bit 3" monothiest faiths.  Yet, for some reason, I still pray... every night.  There is not a night in my memory that I have not prayed.  And strangely, I don't really feel bad about this.  I think it is because so much in my life has worked out when it could just have easily not.  I am very "blessed" and thankful.  I don't ever think that I am talking to the "god" of the bible.   I am not sure what I am talking to.  I don't really know, and don't so much think anything is listening.  It might be habit, but I am not sure.  Any way... I have gone on too long already.

thanks.

[MariaEvri]

HI am very "blessed" and thankful.  I don't ever think that I am talking to the "god" of the bible.   I am not sure what I am talking to.  I don't really know, and don't so much think anything is listening.  It might be habit, but I am not sure.  Any way... I have gone on too long already.

thanks.

maybe that prayer is like the diary some write evn though no one reads it. A way to express your feelings and graditute and/or sorrow

[DennisK]

I agree that prayer for you may be habitual and self serving .  You've done this all of your life.  It's reasonable that you need it similar to a smoker or caffeine addict needing their vice.  Although, you aren't ingesting outside chemicals to influence the brain, your brain may be producing its own chemicals as a result of the act.  It's also good to release your thoughts.  Whether there is any true feeling behind your prayers, they are similar to daily affirmations.

Anyway, it's good to have you.  Welcome.

[oldschooldoc]

Welcome. I agree with DennisK. Something so habitual in one's life can become an "addiction" of sorts. It has always made you feel better and there is a good chance this good feeling is releasing serotonin or any other of a host of "reward" chemicals in the brain. There is nothing wrong with doing what feels right. The important thing is that you did come to your senses.

Again, welcome. Kick your feet up, this forum is relaxing (at least to me).